Monday, April 30, 2018

Deerman, Episode 14: Hot Dog Talk

Here it is, folks! The new Deerman!

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I realize that I have been supremely lazy when it comes to uploading to YouTube. I'm going to fix that this month. The Deerman YouTube space will finally be up to date.

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Thursday, April 26, 2018

Deerman, Episode 14 live for patrons!

Holy guacamole! There's a new Deerman episode live for patrons!

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I'm dog sitting. These two pups never stop playing. Good company. 

Friday, March 30, 2018

Deerman, Episode 13: DeerDad Easter Reunion Special

A strange man with breath smelling of tequila enters Father Daddy's Easter sermon. What does this man know? What does he have to say of the fabled Deerman? Is an Easter miracle on the horizon or are we all doomed to coloring eggs for the rest of our sad existence? Find out now!

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Check out the Cockroach Conservatory, a new genre magazine that focuses on weird genre. Horror, sci-fi, fantasy, bizarro all work but they have to be weird. Funny is good, too. Submit!

Friday, March 16, 2018

Deerman, Episode 12: The Furries of the Food Court

Friends and enemies, allow me to introduce you the very latest chapter of Deerman! Consider supporting the project on Patreon or buying a t-shirt here. 

Deerman, Episode 12: The Furries of the Food Court 

“All right,” Bolognanon said with a thread and needle hanging from his pursed lips. “You’re no longer burdened with a penis.” Bolognanon punched Warning a few times on the mound where his penis would have been. “You might still get aroused but I rerouted all hormonal secretions to come out of your anus. You won’t have to walk around like you’re carrying a snubnose pistol around in your pants anymore.”
“He doesn’t wear pants,” I said. 
“Well, now you won’t get turned away from literally everywhere you go,” Bolognanon said as he discarded Warning’s former lower half. 
I examined Warning. He was still giggly from the drugs. He was farting a lot. He had his regular human upper body and powerful tiger legs and tail.
“How you feeling, bud?”
“Meow,” Warning said as he nuzzled his head into his armpit and closed his eyes.
“He needs rest,” Bolognanon said. “You need a break, too. Go out into the world. Discover yourself.”
Bolognanon was up to something but it didn’t matter. I did need a break. I tipped my antlers at Warning and Bolognanon and pranced on out of there. 
It’d been too long. I’d been roaming around with a naked man so long that I didn’t have any time to stop and think about just who I was anymore. I used to always say that having a job helped me cope with myself but the older I got, the job was just another way of avoiding myself. 
Who would hire a deer anyways? 
I was walking on my hind legs aimlessly. I went to the mall and peered through shop windows. Whole families holding hands and pointing at things they wanted or things they were saving for. Little kids throwing tantrums. Husbands and wives stood in pained silence. Nobody noticed me.
Maybe that was my problem. 
For too long I thought people cared about me and that affected everything. Nobody cared. Everybody was too busy with their own lives spent wondering if anyone cared about them. It was a liberating feeling. I felt like rewarding myself with Hot Dog On A Stick.
But what would Brenda think? I was packing on the pounds with beer right before… the accident. 
Brenda’s not around and besides, she wouldn’t want any of this buck. 
I shrugged and walked over to Hot Dog On A Stick. 
A young man, face full of acne and a mouthful of braces smiled. I swear I thought his skin was going to crack as his lips slimed across his braces. 
“How can I help you, sir? Nice costume. Where’d you get it?”
“Uh…” I fumbled around with my hooves and remembered that I didn’t have any money. “I… uh… I made this costume. In fact, I forgot my money in my other pants. Any chance you could slide me a corn dog?”
“Don’t your friends have money?”
The teenager pointed to about ten people dressed in ornate costumes of foxes, bears, cats… the entire animal kingdom! They were beautiful.
“Yeah, your friends! The furries! They come here all the time. Some of them like Chick Fil A more but Chick Fil A doesn’t sell an orange julius like we do!”
“Let me go ask one of them.”
That twerp thought I was human enough to wear a costume. Maybe being a deer wasn’t so bad. Maybe I had finally found my people. 
I cleared my throat and tapped the most colorful one on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said.
“Hai! You are muy kawaii! Watashi wa Hirubaato-san!” Hirubaato-san got up and gave me a little curtsey. 
“You’re pretty realistic looking,” a man in a latex, black and gray cat suit said as he sniffed me. “And smelling.” 
“Hee-hee!” Hirubaato-san giggled into its fluffy hand-hooves. “So realistic! So magical! Are you otaku?”
“What?” I asked. I was confused. “What language are you speaking?”
“Hee-hee! Yipeee! I speak the language of everyday! I speak in rainbow and poetry! Forgive the haiku! Pikachu!” 
“Uh… okay. I was just wondering if I could borrow a few bucks for a hot dog.”
They huddled for a bit, murmuring to themselves. I could make out a few words. Things like “Super Friend Club” and “destroy the enemy,” but aside from all that, I couldn’t understand a damn word between all the giggling.
The man with the latex cat suit stood up. I presumed he was their leader.
“Listen, guy, we’ll give you a few bucks for a corn dog but you must sit and eat it with us. You must tell tale of your life. And you must do it in song.”
“Oh, baka! He’s just joking! Of course you can have some dinero!” Hirubaatu-san pulled out a pouch and threw me a twenty. 
I tried to catch it with my hooves but without fingers, I couldn’t grasp it. It fell to the floor. Latex cat suit guy grabbed it for me. 
“My name is Xenith,” he said. “I’m the leader of this crew. I’ll accompany you to Hot Dog On A Stick.”
“Thanks,” I said. 
“We have a little meeting down at Steampunk Saloon in the King William’s district. A few fuddy-duds come by and try to break up our meetings. They say we’re freaks. We need a guy like you to be our muscle,” Xenith said as I ordered. 
“Okay,” I said.
“I mean, just look at us. We’re a group of people so in love with nature’s aesthetic that we pursue the ultranature.”
“We’re trying to get back to animism through costume,” Xenith said. “We worship the soil.”
“Oh,” I said, taking bites of my hot dog on a stick. “I get it.” But I didn’t get it. Maybe I hadn’t found my people. 
“You’ve heard of the deer crime running rampant around town, have you not?” 
“Uh huh,” I said.
“I figured that’s what spurred on your costume. It looks so realistic that I’m sure you’d be able to teach us some stitching tricks. But anyways, the time of the deer has come. No longer will it be hunted. It will be worshipped for it will consume us in a fire of glory.” 
“The deer crime,” I said. The hot dog was still too hot but I was impatient and bit too soon. “The deer crime is me.”
“Ha! Ha!” Xenith slapped me on the back. “You crack me up. Often we become one with our costumes but it is blasphemy for us to claim to be that of which we seek to be. We are merely apostles of the nobler creatures.” 
“There’s just one rule we live by,” Xenith whispered. “No outsiders!”
Xenith pushed me into the furry congregation. The sound of the laughter was demonic, intoxicating, horrifying. 
“You must get tickle-jumped to join our group, silly!” Hirubaatu started to tickle me. 
But I lay there, frozen; unbothered by their tickling because deer cannot be tickled. I was baptized in their fire. 
“He does not laugh!” screamed some of them.
“He must be the one long prophesied!” said some others.
“Nonsense!” Xenith screamed and dug his fingers further into my armpits. 
It was time to pretend. I let out a laugh. Thus, I became one of them. 

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Deerman, Episode 10: Broken Mirrors

Hey! The new Deerman episode is live for everyone! Check it out below!

For everyone that was at WHO KILLED ANDREW HILBERT? at Radio Coffee & Beer... thank you! It was a great show. J David Osborne, Rios de la Luz, Gabino Iglesias, Isaac Kirkman, Max Booth III, Robert Dean, Cheryl Couture, and Trey Hudson were phenomenal. I think we actually managed to make a reading fun. Check out the livestream:

Please consider becoming a patron of Deerman on Patreon. Click here. Even just a buck a month helps immensely! 

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art by Jack Arambula

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Deerman, Episode 10: Broken Mirrors is live for patrons!

Head on over to Patreon and become a patron to get early access to the latest Deerman!

Click here!

Hey! Buy yourself a funky t-shirt. Right here. Click. Here. Yay.

In other news! Zach Chapman, Miguel Villa, and I have started a new podcast called Books & Beer. We deep dive into different subgenres, read a shitload in a month, and get together for beers to talk about them. It's incredibly fun and I hope you'll check us out at our website here. 

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Deerman, Episode 9: Wanted Signs

It's time for some friggin' Deerman!

Join Deerman as he happens upon a seemingly benign family-friendly restaurant during the day. Listen as Deerman discovers what he truly is as he finds his hoofing in the world. 

Chapter Nine: Wanted Signs

The more me and the Mancat drove around aimlessly, wasting our days, the more I noticed that old west style wanted signs were being posted around all over the goddamn place. There was even one at Los Cazadores Musical, a Chuck-E-Cheese rip off that sold Tex-Mex and Tecate.

“Pull over,” I told Warning.


I rolled my deer eyes. Fucking cats, man.

He parked in the handicap spot. It was something I was always uncomfortable with but if anyone came up and gave us shit, I’d be flabbergasted. And I don’t use that word lightly. I’m a fucking bipedal deer. He’s a naked guy who wants to be a cat. If handicap we’re not, then what is?

“We’re just going to walk in there casually, you know?” I said.

“Meow,” Warning said but his eyes betrayed an inner doubt.

“Yeah,” I said, rubbing my hoof on my chin. “Maybe you should stay in the car.”

Warning nodded. It’s one thing to believe you’re a cat. It’s another thing to walk into a family restaurant naked with a deer.

There was no rush, though. When I got inside, there wasn’t even a hostess to greet me. The place was damn near empty. There was trash everywhere and a few old men smoking cigarettes staring at the stage.

“Hey, bud,” an old man with no teeth said to me from behind his pitcher of beer. “You here for the show?”

“The show?” I asked.

“Yeah, El Cazador promised a big show today. A big, bad show. He’s El Gran Cazador Blanco Con Pelo Amarillo. The great white hunter with yellow hair. I figured you were in the show.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. I am.”

“Well,” the old man said, lighting a cigarette. “Don’t let me stop you from doing your thing.”

“Isn’t this a family restaurant?”

“On the weekends, yes. During the day, it’s a little bit different.” He motioned his work-beaten hand to showcase the room. It was filled with smoke and sparsely populated with people drinking straight from the bottle. “During the day, my friend, we smoke and sing and dance with El Gran Cazador Blanco Con Pelo Amarillo. He makes us laugh.”

“Yeah,” I said. I took a seat near the middle of the folding chairs that were chaotically arranged throughout the restaurant.

All the lights went out as I settled in. It’s hard sitting on a tail. I still haven’t gotten used to it.

A spotlight shone on the curtains where a short man in a beige leisure suit came out. He looked shy.

“Amigos!” he yelled, “Did I not promise you a grand show today?”

The crowd clapped but it sounded like the kind of clapping that happens when you’re jerking off into the toilet. Sometimes your balls hit the side of your leg. It’s not often, but it happens. That’s what it sounded like. Unimpressive. Noteworthy only when comparing it to masturbating into a toilet.

“Agh,” El Gran Cazador Blanco Con Pelo Amarillo said, “Amigos, that does not sound like my amigos!”

The crowd clapped a little bit more. Not much.

El Gran Cazador Blanco Con Pelo Amarillo pulled out two pistols. Then, he sang, “Mi pistola está en mis pantalones y está deseando una cacería.”

The crowd starting laughing.

“This dumb white guy thinks we like him,” an old man leaned into me and said as he exhaled his cigarette smoke. “He comes in here and thinks because he speaks Spanish, he’s one of us. Thinks because he married the owner’s daughter that we like him. Bullshit. We know he’s only after the restaurant when the old man dies. He wants to turn it into a condo with an office for Senator Teodoro Luz at the ground floor. He thinks we like Luz because his name ends in a z. We just come here to laugh at him.”

I nodded.

“Ouch!” the old man yelled. I turned and saw that my antler had split his left nostril in half when I nodded.

“Sorry,” I said.

“I bet you’re Teodoro Luz under there, aren’t you?” The old man started poking at me. It tickled but I couldn’t laugh anymore. Laughing was a human thing. Deer don’t laugh. Deer get revenge. And I’ve been running around in circles for too fucking long.

I stood up and knocked the chair in front of me down. I started bucking like a race horse who hates the feeling of having a really small guy sit on top of him and whip him into speed. I charged El Gran Cazador Blanco Con Pelo Amarillo.

The crowd cheered.

“Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!” they chanted. I felt their hatred wash over me and I charged harder. 

This man didn’t deserve the passionate end of my hooves, the angry tips of my antlers, but I was bored with running around. I was tired of being a deer. I was tired of hanging around with some pervert that keeps up the charade of being a man with a cat brain even after he admitted to me it was just a ruse to satisfy some weird sexual desire that he couldn’t even find like-minded freaks on the internet.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to be a deer. If you ask me, I would’ve been better off bleeding out on the highway. At least somebody would find me and Brenda wouldn’t be sitting on the edge of her bed wondering where I went; if I ran off with some California hussy or if I killed myself. If I was killed by a serial killer who could overpower me, of all people.

Then it hit me like a gunshot to my knee; a gunshot to my knee.

The crowd hushed.

“I promised a show today, no?” El Gran Cazador Blanco Con Pelo Amarillo yelled. “Now this muchacho was not a part of this show. But now he is! And we’re all the better for it, no!?”
I fell to the ground and stared up at him. His pants were wet. He was scared. But he had weapons. I just had fucking antlers and a burning passion for revenge. Friends, sometimes the latter is more than gunpowder can ever provide.

“The show, amigos, must go on!” El Gran Cazador said. The curtains went up. His animatronic band went into a steady rhythm with a surprisingly complex emotional composition for a band made of robots.

He sang, “Cada vez que entro en un restaurante mexicano se vuelve menos auténtico. Cada vez, cada vez.” He grabbed his dick and spun around like a cheap Michael Jackson. A screen came crashing down from the ceiling. On it, the first slid of a PowerPoint presentation was illuminated. It read: The Future of Los Cazadores Musical.

The crowd hushed.

El Gran Cazador Blanco tugged at a rope that hung on center stage. A cage with a young woman and her father came crashing down. It took out the first row of chairs, killing one spectator. El Gran Cazador laughed. “Nobody will miss him!” El Gran Cazador pranced towards me in his white cowboy boots. He unbuckled his pants knowing I couldn’t lift myself off the ground.

But I had antlers. And I was getting a lot more familiar with how to use them. I pummeled forward, impaling the little idiot and lifting him off the floor. I shook my head and he flew off, hitting the wall. 

His urine stained pants were now covered in blood.

The crowd stood and cheered.

“My husband!” the young lady clutched at her heart  and reached for El Gran Cazador Blanco from her cage. Her father was unconscious.

“That idiot never loved you!” said a voice from the crowd. “He was just after your father’s property!”
But El Gran Cazador Blanco wasn’t finished. He pulled himself off the floor and stumbled toward the cage.

“It’s true, my love. I’m sorry but money is more important than authenticity. This is America.” He pointed his pistol, trembling, at the father. “I made sure he willed this to me before he died. Now I’m speeding up the process.”

I dragged myself across the stage, bleeding and practically useless. I poked at him with an antler but he must have been in some kind of greedy trance. He didn’t even turn around. I stuck my antler into the stage and used my weight to do a spinning kick on the floor. He fell flat on his ass, fell face first into my antler.

“Tell…” he said with his gasping last breaths, “Tell everyone my name… mi nombre es Blake Gentle. I fought valiantly.”

The crowd descended on me and helped me unstick myself from the stage.

One of them came up with one of the wanted posters.

“It’s him!” he said. I was scared but I was also in a lot of pain and jail would probably fix me up or put me out of misery.

I rest my head on the stage and closed my eyes. I heard sirens in the distance. The front door opened, bringing in unwanted sunlight.

“Hey! Let’s get the fuck outta here! The cops are on their way!”

It was Warning. Sliding in and talking like a real fucking human to save our asses. He ran up to me, flopping around in the air, not a care in the world.

“We’ll help,” the father in the cage said to Warning. A group of men surrounded me and lifted me up, carrying me into the truck bed. I was woozy. My eyes were tired. The sun blinded me.

“You saved my father’s business,” the young woman said. She kissed me on the cheek. “You’re a hero,” she said as she peeled her late husband’s face off of my antler.

I’m a hero. 

Deerman, Episode 14: Hot Dog Talk

Here it is, folks! The new Deerman! Support Deerman on Patreon HERE Make a one time donation here! Buy a shirt here! Buy the l...